I recently did one of the most shocking things a Miamian can ever do: I went to LIV sober.
And let me tell you, never do it again. Or go to LIV (except only when someone good plays, then rest up because they don't perform until 3 or 4 AM).
By things of life, I was at the Fontainbleu for work and decided, “why not go to LIV on a Wednesday night?” I hadn’t been in a few years and even though I’m not really a nightclub kinda gal, I figured why not. Earlier that day, a promoter reached out to my coworker Danni, so we even had that ready to go.
Due to some time constraints, we didn’t get to pregame LIV and thought, “social experiment time!” Danni and I got dressed and when the clock struck 11:45 PM, we went downstairs as our promoter had said to.
Let me say that while going to LIV might be considered one of the most Miami things to do here, it really, truly isn’t.
You can tell it’s all the nearby tourists in the surrounding hotels dressing the way they think Miami people dress: think all bling, heels too high for dancing, and el c*lo apretado. Ay.
So we wait for this promoter to arrive and she comes about an hour later. We had about an hour of people watching and almost considered going back upstairs but no, we were already dressed up. Might as well see this through. Our promoter has to meet another promoter (presumably her boss? How do all these people make money, someone please tell me), so that’s more time waiting and doing nothing. This other promoter guy shows up and it’s one of those guys you can tell has been doing this for a while because he’s got a receding hairline and he’s saying hi to all the security guards that look bored out of their minds.
We finally get pass ID check, which is still strict as ever like DUDE I’M 23! PLUS IT’S A WEDNESDAY who the hell is trying to get in with a fake here?! We’re stopped after security again for another 30 minutes waiting for a table. Not sure why the older promoter guy is taking pictures with girls insanely younger than him but okay, I don’t judge. After what feels like another hour, it’s 1ish AM at this point, we get to our table.
Here’s where sober me is really witnessing shit.
LIV looks like the inside of any other club. Not sure why it’s so famous. Sure it has a cool light thing in the middle with girls dancing around but so does every other place and E11ven seems more dope than this.
We get to our table, which takes another 10-15 minutes, and we’re being told where the girls need to sit. Some on chairs, others on a higher level. Excuse me what if I want to dance? The DJ was actually playing good music, not just tiki tiki stuff. Stop telling me what to do at a club.
We get moved to another table. It’s about 1:30 AM by now and I’m annoyed. Still very sober.
Once at the other table in what feels like a mosh pit of foreigners and try-hards, a LIV girl finally pours everyone a drink. Not sure why we couldn’t do it ourselves. I take two sips and because I’m utterly bored, I don’t even feel like drinking the rest.
At around 2 AM we get told to move back to our original table and we’re being ordered again to sit around. WHY!?!?!?!
Danni and I ditch because we didn’t come to be told where to sit, I don’t care how much the bouncers want the girls to sit still and look pretty.
In my sober state, Danni and I go to the “peasants” area AKA no tables or VIP service and let me tell you, it was a little better! Someone’s father tried grinding on us and that was weird, but for the most part, we had a bit more space to dance. The DJ even played new Bad Bunny! That’s a win in my book.
However, I will say that because everyone was packed into this “no table” area, it was really difficult to even try to dance around because 1) people are pushing and 2) there are these individual guys who are at LIV alone trying to grind on other girls. Excuse me, sir, my body isn’t a cheese grater y tu no eres mozarrella, try again another day.
On a serious note, who comes to a club alone? Can’t be good news, ladies please be careful!
We left around 3 AM because after a while this facey and pushy environment was too much. Like I said before, I’m not a club girl but also I don’t like sketchy places with overpriced drinks and not dance-able music.
I understand now why people have to get absolutely hammered and coked out to come to clubs like these (I don’t condone either, please don’t do drugs. We left those in 2018!). Maybe I’m “old” at a mere 23 years old, but I’d rather dance somewhere else, have a drink, and not feel like I’m there just to show face.
And no cheese grating, please!
4441 Collins Ave, Miami Beach, FL 33140