I Don't Want To Sleep With You, Leave Mom Out Of It

We're back again today to talk about something that's rather serious and absolutely wild: people who get upset when you don't want to sleep with them.


There's a lot to unpack here, so get ready.


I met this guy on Thursday, November 7, 2019. I was working an event for our client, Copper 29, and this guy consistently would come over and talk to me. Even my coworker agreed, he was incredibly cute. 6 feet tall, blue eyes, in shape - what else do you want? Don't judge me, I didn't see the psychopath in him right away. The third time he comes to our table, he asks me to get a few drinks with him after the work event. Obviously, I agree.


My coworker and I walk to our cars and say our goodbyes. I meet this guy at The Local in Coral Gables. I can tell he's pretty intoxicated but for the most part, the conversation went well. He talked about his dog, I talked about my job, we got along on all things sports. His leg is touching my leg, I graze his arm every now and then. Of course, I think everything is going great. We go to The Bar a few doors down to dance until we decide it's time to go home. He's fairly drunk by now, and luckily I wasn't, so when we do say our goodbyes, he tries to get handsy. Ladies, you know how it is. He thinks he's slick for putting his hand a little bit too up high on your thigh. I swatted his hand away because this isn't going in that direction.


He asked me to go over to his place, to which I say no. He asks me a few more times and each time, I say no. I was getting increasingly annoyed but he was too drunk to notice. He's also saying random crap like "I can't wait to marry you" and "put a baby in you". Moment of silence for the spotted red flag. We part ways and call it a night.


The next day, we're texting all day long and agree to get a few drinks later that night. Around 8 or 9 PM he hits me with the, "I'm too tired to go out, come over." I was nice enough to say something like "Don't take this the wrong way, I'd just rather get to know you before making a step like that." He doesn't really like my answer but at least he stopped insisting.


Saturday is when this story takes a turn. I went to the UM football game and, although he had told me Friday he was going to the Keys, he's there too. He asks if I can go to where he's sitting. Who does this guy think he is? You're not even going to meet me in the middle? F*ck this guy.


And what do you think he asked me again after that?! BINGO! If I want to go over after the UM game.


People!!!! Play the art of subtleness! Buy a girl drinks and dinner before you try to get in her pants. At least make it to the movies to build up that weird sexual tension of kissing in the dark but just like that?! Don't expect me to come over because it's definitely not happening. (Unless neither party cares, then go for it. Have fun! Use protection!)


We go back and forth a bit because I kept asking him what part of "I don't know you so I don't want to go to your place do you not understand?" His answer was "That's fine, this is my life. I stay home." Si, y en la casa solo te vas a quedar.


He tells me goodnight, I answer "lmfao okay", and he Facetimes me three times shortly after. I answer about zero of them.


Low and behold around midnight, he texts me. At this point, I'm showered, in bed, all tucked in. This text annoyed me so much that I thought, You know what? F*ck it. Let's argue over this stupidity and your fragile ego.

EXCUSE ME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - WHAT THE F*CK DOES MY MOTHER HAVE TO DO WITH YOU NOT GETTING LAID?

I block him right after this but my computer caught the last text he sent: "You can't turn a hoe into a housewife." Ah yes, I love being called a hoe when I didn't, nor would, touch you with a 20-foot pole.


Also, can we just appreciate how horrible his texts are? Imagine trying to talk to someone who still says "u" and "ur" and they're not being ironic. Moment of silence for his two brain cells.


A few seconds later I get a message from him on WhatsApp that says, "This dumb bitch blocked me hahaha". I really love being spoken to in third person, but it's what happens when you only have two brain cells, a jeep, a condo, and a franchise.


This whole ordeal is happening around 12:30 AM and a friend of mine calls me. I tell her the story and she and her boyfriend are not only heated that he's name-calling me, but that for some reason he's brought my mom into the argument. Before I know it, she's texted him and she sent me the screenshots:


Please note the hour. Don't do drugs kids!

She also blocked him after that last text message.


There's a lot to unpack here:

-What does my Mom have to do with any of this?

-What does his dog, condo, and franchise have to do with his [in]ability to get laid?

-Will he ever learn to use the whole words of "you" and "your"?

-He does admit to me being a one-night stand, asshole.

-What did Kendall ever to do to this guy? It makes me love this side of suburbia even more.

-Who's going to tell him it's "sightsee" and not "site see"?

-Can we appreciate the glorious use of this gif?

-No te hagas just because you were born in Pinecrest, you talk like you're straight from second grade

-Not much about me really screams "hoe" vibes. And before you ask, I was wearing sandals, shorts, and a tank top the night we met.

-"Trust me I don't have any problems getting laid" Uh... buddy... clearly you do.

-Also, nothing wrong with public schools, but he went to Palmetto High School. So why is he bringing down other public schools like Ferguson? Dude needs to check himself, his fake privilege, what little ego he's got.

-When ladies say "men ain't shit," we're usually referring to scenarios like these.


But the most important question I have is: which Kendall hoe hurt him? Reveal yourself so I can thank you.


Xoxo,

'Cause I Just Dodged a Bullet from a Crazy Bitch

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