Let's transport back to October 2016 real quick. Simone Biles had a near-perfect performance at the Rio Olympics. The Chicago Cubs won their first world series. Beyonce released Lemonade (and she's still with Jay-Z...) And I had a horrible Bumble date.
As a strong Bumble advocator, I was swiping away until this guy and I strike up a conversation and agree to have drinks. I was still an undergraduate student at the University of Miami and he went to UM Law School. We agree to have drinks at the Wetlab, a bar at UM's Key Biscayne Campus; they serve decent food and draft beers.
My first mistake is agreeing to let him pick me up. Since we both were on campus, he offered and me, an idiot, accepted. After this date, I've never let someone pick me up on the first date.
I remember I was my mom was texting me, telling me not to be so negative. The second I get in the car, I texted her that I already hated the date. Consider it a gut feeling, but you know those things are never wrong.
We're on the way over to the Wetlab and it felt like an incredibly long car ride. He had his music on shuffle and "I Can Go The Distance" from Hercules. I can get with some classic Disney... until he started testing me on the lyrics. This became a thing for him. Not only did he "test" me on the lyrics, but he also asked me if I spoke Spanish. After I said "yes", he started pointing things out in the road like traffic lights and trees to "test" me. My dude, if I speak Chinese take my word for it.
We finally get to the Wetlab and we order our beers. As we're talking and I'm drinking my beer, his glass is still full and untouched. I called him out on it and his answer was short and sweet.
"Oh, I just don't like beer," he said.
So you brought me to a bar that only serves beer?! If I'm on a date, I'd like to partake with the other person! Don't bring me somewhere and then leave me alone in the activity.
I just continued to down my beer and like a true gentleman and scholar, he brings up politics. Remember that at this time, Trump was in the headlines for saying something stupid every other day. The headline of that week was the "grab her by the pussy" video. This fool asked me how I felt about it. He had already been asking me other political questions so add my annoyance to it and I was over it. Not to mention I didn't drive, so I couldn't ditch.
"Regardless that those words came out from a Presidential candidate's mouth, I think it's really disrespectful to hear any guy say that they think they can do that to anyone," I answered.
This dude takes a breath, puts his ankle over his left knee, sits back and says, "Si mami, es porque nunca has estado con un tigre como yo."
If you don't speak Spanish, he said that it's because I've never been with a "tiger" like him. It doesn't make sense in English, but it's a Dominican word for someone who's street smart, a flirt, and/or bold.
THIS DUDE ISN'T EVEN DOMINICAN!!!!! AHHHHH.
Because this was so long ago, I'm going to admit that I forgot what my snide answer was but trust that there was one.
Finally, we got back to his car and I felt like all my prayers were answered. I'd finally be going back to campus and into my car so I can go home. Or so I thought.
He turns on the car but doesn't put it in reverse. Instead, he left the car running and asked what music I want to listen to. After the night I had, I was about to walk back to campus. I just scoffed and said, "Whatever you want, can you just drive?" Nope, he insists I pick the music. I rolled my eyes and answered that I liked Spanish music.
This mans really chose Corazon Partido by Alejandro Sanz out of all the music in the world. Not only is this a slow song, but it's a song about heartbreak. Why would you choose this as a first date song?! He has to be the dumbest law student I've ever met.
Did you think we would just sit and enjoy the song? NOPE. Instead, he started to sing. He wasn't even a good singer, so he was off-key and didn't remember half the lyrics but at least he had fun. I, on the other hand, thought of the #content. I pulled out my little iPhone 5 or 6, went to the voice notes and pressed "record". He was so into his song that he didn't notice what I was doing.
I wish I still had this recording but I lost it when I upgraded my phone a year later. BUT TRUST ME, IT WAS GOOD! I sent it to anyone who would listen to my story that night.
When we finally got to campus after what felt like a million years, he tried to lean in for the kiss while I leaned for the door handle. He grazed his lips on my shoulder and I made a run for it. I've never been so grateful that my car keys and my car handle all opened swiftly so I could slide into my car, put it in reverse, and drive out of the parking lot on two wheels.
He texted me that Monday and of course, I never texted back. I wonder if he ever graduated law school or if he ever learned to like beer. The world may never know.